First; Sequel.

23/07/2010

He will leave first,
he said;
Everyone he knew left him;
he said.
He doesn’t want to be abandoned again.
He cannot be abandoned again;
he said.
He will leave me first;
she said.
It’s okay.
I will be here;
she said.
Until you leave,
I will be here;
she said.
and even after you leave,
I will be here;
she said.
And in this moment in time,
in this moment in the spectrum of our lives,
we will always be here;
she said.
for infinity;
she said.
and beyond.

first.

23/07/2010

Everyone I knew left me;
he said.
The first one said, I will never leave you;
she said.
but then she did.
The second one said, you will leave me first.
and then he said
I will not. But when you do, I’ll be gone forever.
and that’s what happened;
he said.
She left first;
he said.
and we were gone forever, after we were forever;
he said.
The third time around I knew it.
I went in knowing, I will be left.
and I was;
he said.
The forth time;
we fought;
he said.
And she left.
Not that I wasn’t expecting it.
Everyone I knew, left me;
he said.
and now;
the fifth time,
this time,
now that there’s you;
he said,
I have to leave first;
he said.
I will leave first;
he said.
I cannot be abandoned again.
so now,
this time,
I shall leave first;
he said.
I will leave first.

the you.

23/07/2010

There’s what one used to be.
And there’s what one is.
And then there’s what one will be.
And then there’s what one can be. (the potential self)
And then there’s what one should be.
And then there’s what one has to be.
And then there’s what one dreams to become.
And then there’s what other people think / expect / push for / phantom / like one to be.
And then there’s what you are in your own head.
And then there’s what you are at heart.
And then there’s what you are around people.
And then there’s what you are when you’re all alone.
And then there’s what you are with the one you love the most.
And then there’s what you are trying to be what you are.
And then there’s you.
and then suddenly, there is nothing.

13/07/2010

3:00 P.M. : I am slowly dying in my chair of leather.
3:01 P.M. : I slowly lift up my shoulders but they crumble back in defeat.
3:01 P.M. : I wait for another minute to pass so that I write the next sentence.
3:02 P.M. : I take off my left black converse.
3:03 P.M. : Everything feels tight today. I can feel my earphones stuck in my ears. I can feel the scarf around my neck. I feel my jeans around my legs. I feel me fingers hitting the keyboard keys. It’s not nice.
3:04 P.M. : Migraine, and a white sock and a pink basket and a black apple and a blue sketchbook and an alien mouse. where have you been all my life?
3:05 P.M. : There’s no point.
3:06 P.M. : I take off my earphones. I stare at my phone I have tossed at the very end of my desk. There’s no turning back.
3:07 P.M. : We’re like 2 hands of one person clenched together because we’re cold. It’ll get warm again – at some point – and the hands that we’re once clenched will be torn apart. But they always remain the only 2 hands the person’s ever got.
3:08 P.M. : I don’t like that my last sentence is longer than the others. I contemplate which words to delete to make it shorter.
3:09 P.M. : Maybe I should get to work. But I don’t care. Shouldn’t you care to actually work? like, isn’t it a prerequisite of working? not here. not now.
3:10 P.M. : I am slowly dying in my chair of leather.

all is bogus.

13/07/2010

.

05/07/2010

You are everything. You do not need anything more or anyone else to be complete or whole. You have everything. Things, do not make you any more or any less than what you are. You deserve everything. Nothing can make u less worthy than what you make yourself worthy of. You are the world. You are whole. You are divine.

5 minutes.

04/07/2010

10:54 p.m.

she said; you take the joy out of everything.
she said; i have to get out of here before it’s too late.
she said.
I can’t breathe anymore.

10:55 p.m.

We’ll eat.
It doesn’t matter what, or with whom.
We eat to survive.
We eat for the sake of eating.
But he draws the food, when he cooks for me.
and as long as he doesn’t anymore,
I eat for the sake of eating.

10:56 p.m.

leaving means arriving.
arriving means starting.
starting means processing.
processing means ending.
ending means leaving.
leaving means arriving.
arriving means starting.
starting means processing.
processing means ending.
ending means leaving.
leaving means leaving.
leaving means always leaving.

10:57 p.m.

my life has been spammed.
by people.
by advertising.
by manipulation.
by consumption.
by society.
by religious interpretations.
by expectations.
by hopes.
by dreams.
by lost hopes.
by shredded dreams.
by gender.
by politics.
by nationality.
by words.
by the lack of words.
My life has been so destructively spammed.
by you.

10:58 p.m.

all you need is love.
all you need is bullshit.
all you need is money.
all you need is a nose job.
all you need is a striper.
all you need is power.
all you need is a penis.
all you need is talk.
all you need is a lipstick.
all you need is manipulation.
all you need is brainwash.
all you need is a sandwich.
all you need is a bullet.
all you need is a cigar.
all you need is a movie.
all you need is bullshit, really.
that’s all what anybody ever needs.